Reflections of a Now College Junior

When I am prone to wander, help me to cling to Your promises. Promises that give me life.

Losing in Regionals not only left me a little heart broken, but it also left me eight solemn hours on a bus for the tears making their way down my cheeks to turn from tears of true disappointment to tears of awe. Tears of the inability to fathom how sovereign the Lord’s hand has been in my life and over this past year of being a sophomore, how faithfully He continues to transform my heart.

I cannot count how many times over the last month I have said that if you told my 18 year old self where I would find myself now, what life would look like, experiences taken place, the heart transformations, the trials faced, and the outpouring of blessings graciously showered upon me, I would never have believed it. After closing the door on this year I find myself back in 13 Balmoral Drive only to be moving out in a few days. I am at a loss to find words to even begin to capture a glimpse of the thankfulness and reverence I have for the mightiness of my Savior and the plan He continues to lay before me.

If anything, He has opened my eyes, mind and heart deeper to be aware of all of the brokenness that I am. Revealing how all of the affliction and brokenness is indeed not a mistake, but so intricately authored to weave loose ends together, a picture reflecting more of Him. The blessing of brokenness.

Isaiah 51:3- “The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all of her ruins. He will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.”

One year ago I journaled this verse and wrote the prayer that I will continue to see and know the depths of His unrelenting love and how at work He is in every detail of my life. I prayed that I would see Him and His hand amidst all of the deserts of my heart and the sadness continuously weaving its way through me. It is one year later. One year of clinging to the shelter of His wings with all that I am, and seeking joy in His promises. One year of praying this and I cannot even begin to fathom the pure joy flourishing in all of the affliction that I am. He has tenderly whispered away seemingly relentless thoughts of hopelessness and worthlessness. He has gradually pruned and broken through walls of paralyzing anxiety, enabling me to lift my eyes.

It has taken 20 years for me to see a glimpse or begin to grasp what it means to be broken- the blessing of brokenness. At the age of 20 I stand in wonder at the faithfulness of His love & pursuit that has never & will never relent. Watching His sovereignty through darkness & trials has allowed me to learn to walk with my hand in His, sensitive to His intimacies. With an unabashed heart I can continue to embark on each day finding joy & beauty in His outpouring of mercies, experiencing the brokenness that I am & will always be.

1 Peter 5:10- “After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

Restore, confirm, strengthen and establish. Those are four words that I have found myself wondering over the past year if I would find them. Sitting in that bus seat riding back from Charleston, with tears pouring down my cheeks, I realized that He fulfilled this promise and exceedingly more. More than I could ever imagine. Leaving West Chester the next morning I found myself stepping outside with a quiet heart overtaken by the gentlest peace. A heart abandoned with awe of the pursuit of my very heart that never relents no matter how prone to wander I may be. The blessings lavished over this year are boundless and I find myself without words to convey Christ’s scandalous love for me.

May we lose ourselves in Him, receiving His love in every facet of who we are. Run and leap into His all-encompassing arms, allowing Him to reveal to you who you really are. You are a treasure woven by His love and all He yearns for is to watch you take His hand and walk alongside Him. He will enrich the unique, heaven-spun treasure you are.

“The seasons change & you change, but the Lord abides evermore the same, & the streams of His love are as deep, as broad & as full as ever.” // Charles Spurgeon

Psalm 143-
Hear my prayer, O Lord;
give ear to my pleas for mercy!
In Your faithfulness answer me, in Your righteousness!
Enter not into judgment with Your servant,
for no one living is righteous before You.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that You have done;
I ponder the work of Your hands.
I stretch out my hands to You;
my soul thirsts for You like a parched land.
Answer me quickly, O Lord!
My spirit fails!
Hide not Your face from me,
lest I be like those who go down to the pit.
Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love,
for in You I trust.
Make me know the way I should go,
for to You I lift up my soul.
Deliver me from my enemies, O Lord!
I have fled to You for refuge.
Teach me to do Your will,
for You are my God!
Let Your good Spirit lead me
on level ground!
For Your name’s sake, O Lord, preserve my life!
In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble!
And in Your steadfast love You will cut off my enemies,
and You will destroy all the adversaries of my soul,
for I am Your servant.

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