Every single semester of college has been marked by a radical transformation of my heart, leaving the girl behind my blue eyes and auburn curls deeper in love with the One who frees my soul. As I have napkin upon napkin of to-do lists, some scribbled and others freshly written, I stare at the remaining weeks of the semester with the same paralyzing anxieties that I stare at every day with. Five semesters of college and one sweetly broken, beautiful adventure with my hand in my Savior’s. However, this semester was a tad different because the infinite capacity for affliction within me came to a head. It came to a head with the deepest feelings and longings of my heart. The mountainous nature of this semester, not different from any other, has unveiled an incredibly problematic fear of my heart. I am afraid to be loved.
These characteristics and manifestations of my heart that are so destructive have always been in place, just never identified as something more. The second I begin to feel insecure the strongest stone wall builds from the ground up and getting through it is a journey on its own. I always blamed my introverted nature for this in every day relationships, but then it began to grow faster and faster with the realest and truest relationship I have- my Creator. After week upon week of more and more stones built I knew with my whole heart that I was loved, but actually physically believing meant resting in it, which meant allowing this wall to come down. Allowing this wall to come down would mean allowing my Savior to love me. I am afraid to rest, I am afraid to accept His love because I am too heartbroken for my own brokenness. My deep capacities for anxiety, seasons of depression, insecurity, comparison, discontent and infinitely more heart break me and shame me because I know that I am supposed to rest, that I am supposed to not fear. But truly fully grasping this means to let go and be loved. The very thing I am afraid of.
Moment to moment- alarm to alarm- class to class- exam to practical to research paper- to practice to conditioning- to the fact that I am severely injured and feel I have no purpose-feeling as if I am falling short in my ministry- feeling as if I cannot pour into my disciplee enough – feeling as if I did not prepare enough to be discipled- and not being a serving, caring, loving enough girlfriend. My heart is hard wired to strive every single second for perfection with the belief that God lavishly bestowed all of these opportunities on me as beautiful blessings and I have to please Him in every single one. The last thing I feel able of doing is to stop, rest and just except His love exactly where I am. Because that would mean allowing Him to flood in, graciously wash and cover and love my infinite capacity of brokenness.
This is why I love growth. It is never complete, it never ends. We are walking every step of every single day following the only light in the darkness of our path. He continually breaks us, only to prune us and reveal those things in us that break His heart. To mold us and shape us, and to continue to pursue us to be His loving children revealing a glimpse of the mystery, the scandal of grace. When we alone flee to God’s mercy we will find our only source of relief, sweet relief. I pray to not just know to lean on God’s steadfast love, but to truly experience and rest and collapse into the most abundant love fulfilled in Jesus Christ.
As I (slowly) step out of bed each morning, slip on my moccasins, and seek His new mercies I am learning each day that His intentions are so good and so kind, with so much love and so much grace and so much peace and so much mercy. Through the most tender whisper and the gentlest, purest and truest intimacy I have ever known, I am grasping what it means to be loved. (No matter how afraid of it I may be).
You Will Not Abandon My Soul
1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.
8 I have the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;
my flesh also dwells secure.
10 For you will not abandon my soul,
or let your holy one see corruption.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.